Dear Class of 2015, congratulations on your passes…your hard work has paid off and if you didn’t pass, what are you? an idiot? Just kidding, if you didn’t pass it’s not the end of the world you can still become the president of South Africa * inserts a Jacob Zuma laugh here*. No but, on the real…of course it’s not the end of the world, pick yourself up and try again. Anyway, for those of you headed to universities and colleges, your life is about to change in ways you could never have imagined. Especially if you are headed to Johannesburg in particular, you are sure going to hear a lot about an awesomeness called Braamfontein. So like a caring big brother I thought I should write this blog to help you with the transition, but, mostly to help you fit in and stand out. Ok? Ready?
You will need to be both nerdy and cool, meaning you will need to be a hipster…however, never admit to being a hipster. If anyone ever calls you one ,get real mad and act like they just called you Penny Sparrow. Now, the best way of being seen as a hipster without you ever saying that you are one is by being subtle with your hipsterdom, leave enough hints for anyone to pick up that you are a hipster. Start by getting pissed when people post videos or articles about played-out trends on your Facebook wall. Next, get a bicycle and always articulate how much you hate cars and people who own them because “oh my God, we need to be reducing carbon emition”.
Another thing you should always deny is that you smoke but do by all means ask people for cigarettes when you are drunk, only when you are drunk though. Oh!…and wine is out, beer is the new cool…but not any beer, it’s gotta be Carling Black Label. You are also better off having friends that are bartenders; say maybe at Kitchener’s and Great Dane. You’ll also need to hang out in coffee shops, not because they have free wi-fi but, because it’s a hipster thing to do and who knows maybe you may meet a cute hipster dude or a pretty hipster bird and you may end up marry them and having lots of hipster babies. Wouldn’t that be cool?
When you finally make it into the inner circle, you’ll get invited to lots of dinner parties to meet “like minded people”, so talk about how frustrating it is that you don’t have bike lanes in your small town or about how embarrassing it is that the barista at the coffee shop around your corner does not know what a flat white is, urg…sies. As for your swag, think vintage, retro shit…go find your granddad or grandma’s wardrobe and bring it back to life, in their loving memory of course. Don’t forget to grab a pair of glasses and a pair of Doc Martens while you are at it. Lastly forget about groceries, what you need is an iPhone…if you can’t afford one, become a part-time DJ and save up for it. Peace. Thank me later.